To people who speak louder than necessary in libraries

hey you noisy bastards: everyone else here does not care about your plans for the weekend or how big your last weekend was or what so and so said about the no doubt important things that make up your life. there’s this phenomenon with humans where instead of going and getting to know hot strangers we decide to speak loudly at some poor unsuspecting person (who thinks they are playing the role of friend, but are really playing the role of something to talk loudly at), in the vicinity of the hot stranger we can see but cannot talk to because they are a stranger. we decide to speak loudly about things that we think make us sound cool, like weekend plans, and then we laugh loudly, like we have the sort of life that a hot stranger should want to be a part of. the intended outcome of this performance is that the hot stranger re-evaluates their life choices up till now, dumps their hot partner via text (“sorry, its over, i’ve fallen in love with a loud person in the library who seems to have a sense of humour and some weekend plans”) and makes themselves available to the loudest person, stat. actual reality: best you can hope for is smouldering eye contact and a small smiles exchanged over several weeks in a library setting, culminating in seeing them at the pub and perhaps saying hello. much more likely: the other people in the library hate you.

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