To people who don’t like Vegemite

Look, I’d concede that vegemite’s not for everyone but I’m not in the mood to pander to you babies.

The way I see it, you have two basic options: vegemite on toast or vegemite sandwiches. In my youth, sometimes my mum made them for me every day of the week. And how did I turn out? Fucking awesome, that’s how.

I don’t know the science of vegemite, but I do know that spreadable yeast extract is a modern marvel and all you people who think you don’t like it are wrong. Have you even had it on toast? I had two bits yesterday morning and then smashed that Monday into pieces. I’m basically Chuck Norris, except I’m not a total misogynistic asshole. Why? Because I eat vegemite on the regular, that’s why. Maybe if Chuck had a little more vegemite and a little less bad attitude things would be different and I’d still find his jokes funny. But no. Ruined that, didntya Chuck.

Got a hangover? Vegemite toast. Want to send your kids off to school with a sandwich spread with something nutritious that won’t break the bank? Mother-fuckin-vegemite. Want to get a whole pile of vitamin B and other stuff? You got it. Vegemite for Prime Minister.

Everyone knows it’s the good stuff. People that don’t like it don’t know what they like about anything in any context. People that don’t like vegemite probably also don’t know how they have their scotch, or which way is up and which way is down, or how to put pants on in the morning. I’d feel sorry for you, but that’s not why we’re here, is it?

Sort it out.

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