To people who think they’re still 18 (me)

Hey ya big dork,

What on earth were you thinking, staying in a shared dorm in a YHA on a Saturday night in Sydney? What are you, a recently-legal overseas visitor on her first trip to Australia? How exactly did you imagine it was going to pan out, trying to go to sleep at 10:30pm in a 6 person dorm room? My favourite part was your stubborn determination to not “rent a towel” so you could “have a shower”, because nothing says respectable attendee at a Sydney Opera House event like someone covered in two days worth of Sydney city humidity.

Let’s also talk about your decision to drive back to Armidale after a Sunday afternoon/early evening concert with the intention of going to work on Monday. For future reference, you are definitely too old for that shit. You are 30. Don’t be silly. Next time you should probably fly, let’s be honest.

In conclusion: you haven’t come all this way through all the poor student/crazy young person phases of the moon to still be avoiding the finer, slightly more expensive things in life, particularly when you can definitely afford them. Rent a hotel so you can go to bed at 10:30 like you like, and get a peaceful, holiday-quality full night’s sleep, like you like. Enjoy towels that are included in the bill. Avoid other humans at your discretion. You’ve earned this. Enjoy the serene and solitary while you can.

To people who remember their umbrellas on rainy days

You superior motherf*ckers.

You think you’re so much better than me, all dry-haired and dry-shouldered, strutting around the place like it’s yours. Look at you, you motivational-poster-in-the-making. For you, life is a sequence of sensical events: wake up well-rested, eat a balanced breakfast, put on your crease-free clothing, go to work and save the planet, trigger high-five montages and dancing sequences, blah blah blah. I’m certain, based on social media evidence I have been diligently collecting when I should have been doing something else, that none of you people with umbrellas have ever felt the icy sting of huge, fat, juicy raindrops running straight from the heavens down the back of your neck. I highly doubt you’ve ever darted from tree to tree as a means of shelter, only to realise the fattest drops to fall on you gather in wait on the leaves of those very trees.

I bet you’ve never thought to yourself “I could really do with some 2007-era Rihanna popping up to walk me to work right about now”. WHERE WERE YOU RI? IT IS RAINING MORE THAN EVER. MY SHOES ARE SQUELCHING.

Ella, ella, ay, ay, ay.

And just FYI: Life is not always about dancing in the rain. Sometimes it is about waiting for the storm to pass. In your car. Saying to yourself: “I will just march into the office pretending I recently had a shower fully dressed and dare anyone to question me”.

To people who get upset about people having opinions of any kind

Hey dumb-dumbs

I’m so very sorry for you that other people are being vegan and talking about it. Maybe us crazy animal-lovers are even sharing opinions about the industry of consuming animals and possibly speaking directly to you in an online public space about it? Maybe we’ve even pointed out the environmental impacts? Ouch, I’m just so sorry you’re being made to think about your choices.

I note that it’s barely worth pointing out to you how silly you look by banging on rather adamantly about how much you resent Other Opinions being expressed in any way – especially seeing as I’m running so fucking low on protein *weakly crunches down on carrot stick*.

Your level of defensiveness with regards to people speaking passionately about things they do differently to you is pretty fucking telling, just FYI. The implication that ‘some of your best friends are vegan’ and they’re alright because they’re the ‘right kind of vegan’ veers dangerously close to the justifications I hear about racism, sexism and homophobia. It bothers me that any ideas outside of the white, able-bodied, male, consumer-driven status quo are automatically militant until proven they can toe the line when needed. I’d point out more connections but I haven’t the word count available to me, or any cares to give. Plus, you know, just so weak from lack of iron.

I’m not interested in engaging anyone in a conversation about how many ways they’re wrong when they have quite blatantly stated they’re well within their rights to yell loudly and blindly into the internet stratosphere about their stupid, meat-eating feelings.