I am completely fucking over this whole fucking systematised misogynistic bullshit pile, for it is a gigantic waste of my excellent brain energy.
Hypothetically, let’s say I see a job I want to apply for that I would be very damned good at.
People react to me sharing my intentions by pre-emptively coaching me through the not getting of the job before I’ve even written a motherfucking cover letter. Breaking it down, you say “yeah, I mean, you may as well give it a shot” – I hear “bless your cotton socks, you think you’re people who get important jobs”. You know what? I don’t need any more suggestion to prepare myself for failure. I’m a young female person in an old male bureaucratic institution. I know full well that I’m staring down the barrel of a lifetime of busy work and spreadsheets unless I pick myself up, trudge through the mud and the gentle suggestions that I aim lower. I know women are meant to be happy little administrators who good-naturedly run the world with little to no acknowledgement, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit quietly waiting for someone to throw me a party.
System, you asshole. You’ve made me internalise some hectic self-doubt, and I’m equal parts heartbroken and furious. I could run this whole entire world, given the right gang and the correct breakfast – yet here I am, paralysed into breaking down selection criteria and listing reasons why the things I’ve done so far are Not Enough.
I think what really grinds my gears is that I know there are people in the world who just assume they will get the Job or the Thing or the Whatever, and then they just… get it, just like they thought they would. I want the Job! I want the Thing! I want the Whatever!