To people who did not put me on “Married at First Sight”

I can’t believe you people.

It’s awkward enough to be this attractive and not already be on TV. It really grinds my gears that you rustled up a whole lot of people who just can’t seem to nail down The One and matched them up with each other and I wasn’t informed or contacted. I am not that hard to find, and you know it.

Particularly when I’ve now watched the season finale (don’t you worry, I’ll be going back to watch the whole season online at my convenience) and I note the attractiveness of the man options. I could have definitely managed getting married to any of them before knowing anything about their personality. Who even needs a personality. I clearly have enough for both halves of a couple. These men seemed mostly normal, compared with women who didn’t know how to do laundry or butter toast. I would never suggest anyone leave their farm that they loved.

I would have done wonderful to camera bits. I would’ve opened up about any feelings I had about anything ever. I would have taken it seriously. I would have put out on the honeymoon.

I would have spewed forth clichés with warm and genuine inflections. I would have tried new things, like other ones in addition to getting married to someone I’d never met before.

I would have been a total dreamboat, and now I never will, and it’s all your fault.

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