To aspirational Instagrammers/Facebookers who make me think I’m doing it wrong

Hey kids,

Cool it on the perfection, the inspiration, the aspirations, the hashtag glory. I’ve been trying to keep up for ages and now I’m a bit over it. I’ve come up with a list of suggestions I’d like to see you whack a filter on – let’s call it a ten-day challenge:

  1. Post argument #selfie with your significant other before making up, when you’re both wondering if you really need this shit
  2. Close-up of snotty tears face just after crying at Grey’s Anatomy/P.S. I Love You/video of any sort of animal being reunited with its animal friend or family
  3. Ad-hoc catalogue of pointless, passive-aggressive work emails sent about people’s dishes in the kitchen area
  4. Daily play count of catchy pop song in style of Bieber’s “Sorry”/Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money” interpreted into graph, relative to day of the week and blood sugar levels
  5. Cups of tea, in no particular order, in a 3 x 3 grid
  6. Short video of just-missed bus as it pulls away
  7. Pile of never-read books in order of literary street credibility: most impressive at the bottom of the stack
  8. Bitten-nails manicure on stubby fingered man hands, with a French twist
  9. Bar graph representations of how many times a person at a desk job hits their Enter key/smacks their forehead to the desk in a day
  10. Error messages as inspirational quotations

And…. go.

To people who are way better than me at things

I want to be the following things when I grow up:

  1. A paid writer who is wildly successful in some circles and held in high regard in others
  2. A musician who spends time away in a small studio in woods recording and releasing, with very little fanfare, landmark albums of significant brilliance with people who are just “friends from college” who also happen to be significantly brilliant and maybe a bit famous already
  3. An academic who is always working on some research that folks are waiting with baited breath to hear more about, but also finds time to guest lecture at like, Harvard and shit
  4. A consultant who flies in and sorts shit out for all sorts of businesses, so the truly awesome employees are given the space to change the world. Nice hotels and drinks in their lobby bars are required to pull this off. Some of the business are in Europe, some are in New York… heck, some of them are in Melbourne
  5. A homeowner with really good quality appliances that show the wear and tear of a life well lived, nice dogs with good manners and mostly reasonable breath, and housemates who sometimes cook me dinner but not so often that I feel guilty and pressured to reciprocate more than once a month.

That’s the dream, right? I’m only 29 so I do believe somewhere inside my optimistic brain that these things can happen.

Then some fucking 19 year old comes along and plays beautiful tunes and talks about them in her irish accent and I just think fuck it, I’ll be lucky enough to just know some people who have pulled off more than one of these things.

Thanks for such an uplifting thought on a Thursday, you asshole of a child prodigy.