To people on Tinder holding fish they’ve caught

Dear complete stranger from the internet,

Nice fish.

Did you realise that every other Tinder profile I’ve looked at this evening also includes a photo of the Tinder contender (conTinder?) holding a fish they have caught?

My key issue here is one of originality. How am I supposed to know you’re the love of my life and future parent to the dogs I plan to have (one rescue, one dachshund) ¬†when you’re holding a bloody fish just like everyone else? Don’t misunderstand me and instead post a photo of you sitting on top of a wild pig you caught and killed (11 bonus minus points for posting both); that’s not going to work.

The danger for you is that one cannot help but compare the fish you caught to the fish that Peter (29, 145kms away, no common connections) caught. Peter’s fish is bigger. What’s a person to do? Adrian (33, 120 kms away, 1 common connection) seems to have caught some form of crustacean instead; does he win because he’s turning the whole fish-catching paradigm on its head, or did he not read the instructions properly?

In recent times it has occurred to me that perhaps I’m looking at this all the wrong way. It’s a drinking game: drink every time you spot a fish in a Tinder profile. Two drinks if it’s the first photo. Two drinks if the person is also wearing wrap-around sunglasses.

Two drinks if you’re increasingly sure you’re going to die alone.